I’ve seen it all

People occasionally during an inspection apologize for the crowded condition of their garage. My standard reply is – “I’ve been doing this for twenty years and you can’t surprise me, I’ve seen it all. Except for maybe a dead body!”

Well, this is the rest of the story…
I came up to my next inspection in a relatively tough neighborhood to find the front door flung wide open and most of the contents piled up in the middle of the floor, visible from the outside. After knocking and hello-ing to no reply, I heard someone inside so I introduced myself and entered. In the kitchen was a fellow cleaning the cabinets. He looked in rough shape; a few days growth, blood-shot eyes, etc. He being unwilling to converse, I started my inspection. (For escrow purposes) After a few minutes this fellow came up behind me and asked “how much this termite thing will cost”. I told him maybe as little as 45 bucks or depending on how much damage was found, into the thousands. He replied that if it were high enough, the owner might just give up and sell him the place.
Now I don’t know where this came from, but I figured he was a renter, behind on his rent, working off back rent. I thought he was acting a little strange. A few minutes later, he informed me he was going to lunch. If I finished before he got back, just pull the locked door closed behind me. Fair enough.
Time to crawl the attic. Standing on my ladder, I tried to open the access but it seemed to be spring loaded. All of a sudden, it gave and a human leg fell in front of my face!! You can’t do much reeling on a 7 foot ladder, but I reeled!!! After things settled down, I took a closer look at the leg. PLASTIC. As it turns out, attached to an adult companion doll. Now, I’m thinking. This guy is really weird, and I still have to crawl the subarea. All he has to do is slide a bureau over the interior access and I’m trapped. I crawled that subarea in record time!
BTW, he returned after lunch a perfectly normal guy. Just a handy man doing stuff for the owner. He had had a few the night before and had missed his coffee this morning. On my way out, I asked if he were going into the attic. He replied that he had to do a little duct repair up there. I told him “don’t miss the attic”.

I’ve seen it all.